The Doctor
A man with a terrible cold visits the doctor. The doctor inspects him for less than a minute and states, "you just have allergies." Outraged, the man demands, " you can't be sure that quickly. I want a second opinion!" So the doctor brings in a Labrador. The dog jumps up onto the table, sniffs the man from head to toe, then looks at the doctor and barks three times. "See? Three barks. That means allergies" the doctor informs him. The dog leaves, but the man is still not convinced. So the doctor brings in a cat. The cat walks up and down the table, inspecting the man's body. The cat then looks up and lets out three meows. "Three meows... Allergies!" Finally convinced, the man asks the cost of the bill.
"$500.00", he is told.
"$500.00? for a ten-minute visit? That's crazy!"
"Well", explains the doctor, "it would have been only fifty dollars, but after the lab work and the cat-scan..."

Does Your Dog Own You?
See how many of these statements match you.

• You believe every dog is a lap dog.
• If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
• You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
• You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
• You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
• You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
• No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
• You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
• You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
• You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
• You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
• You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
• Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
• When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
• You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
• You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

• Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
• Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
• Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
• Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
• Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
• Does your cat sleep on your head?
• Do you like it?
• Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
• Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
• Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
• Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
• Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?
• Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
• Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
• Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

Things I have learned from my cats

• Make the world your playground.
• Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps
• If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
• When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
• Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
• Nap often.
• When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
• Life is hard, and then you nap.
• Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
• When in doubt, cop an attitude.
• Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
• Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
• Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
• Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

• Bath
  This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
• Bicycles
  Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
• Bump
  The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
• Deafness
  This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
• Dog Bed
  Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
• Drool
  Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
• Garbage Can
  A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
• Goose Bump
  A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
• Lean
  Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
• Leash
  A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
• Love
  Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
• Sofas
  Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
• Thunder
  This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
• Wastebasket
  This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
• A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
• Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. - Unknown
• Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
• Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
• Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
• He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. - Unknown
• Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
• I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it. - Abraham Lincoln
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
• I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. - John Steinbeck
• If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience. - Woodrow Wilson
• If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. - Andy Rooney
• If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven and very, very few persons. - James Thurber
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Unknown
• If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
• In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown
• In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
• Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson
• Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. - Unknown
• My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
• No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
• No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley
• Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! - Dr. Tom Cat
• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
• Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. - Franklin P. Jones
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney
• There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
• Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton
• To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley
• When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey
• Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill

Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
   Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
4. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Play:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

Cat games:

"Catch Mouse":
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

"King of the Hill":
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

Warning:
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Toys:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.

Paper bags:
within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

Food:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

Sleeping:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Scratching posts:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

Humans:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.